What Exactly Is Sexual Communal Strength?

Don’t pretend you haven’t wondered: Do your friends have more sex than you? What’s normal, anyway? Apparently, normal is not very much: 32 percent of married couples have sex two to three times per week; 47 percent only a few times per month, according to a University of Chicago study.

What about the other 21 percent? Their secret could be something more straightforward than you’d imagine.

A study published in the May issue of Social Psychological and Personality Science looked at sexual desire in long-term couples ages 23 to 60. They found that the participants with the highest level of desire were willing to go along with sexual activity even when they weren’t into it for whatever reason.

Stay with me now!

The researchers call that give-and-take “sexual communal strength.” Thinking of sex as a way to spend time with and be close to your partner (rather than as a means of pleasing yourself) breeds more desire. And—get this—they found no difference in this increased level of desire between genders.

Yes, you’re understanding this right. To improve intimacy—really improve it, for the long term—you might want to try just saying "yes" more often. And it isn’t always the one-way street it may appear to be. “There are women with high libidos married to men with low libidos who are just as frustrated,” says John Wilder, a marriage, relationship and sexual coach and author of Sex Education for Adults: Secrets to Amazing Sex and Happily Ever After too. “Sexual communal strength refers to the power that comes from saying yes to your partner unless the request is illegal, immoral or abusive. But it’s not just about frequency of sex, but also being adventurous, which is what keeps the heat in the marriage.”

I’m guessing I’m not much different than any other full-time working mom. My husband comes sniffing around more often than I go looking for him. Usually shortly before midnight, right after I’ve collapsed into bed. His advances at that moment are about as appealing as if he had said “What do you say you get up, get dressed, and we go for a sprint around the block?”

Would a jog bring us closer together? Sure. Would it take very long? I guess not. When we were done, would I be glad I did it? Probably.

Am I doing either one? Hell, no.

That’s become a bit of a problem. A small one to me, in the scheme of things. I mean, it’s not like I always ignore him! But a much bigger one to him: He feels rejected.

So I thought I may give this whole just-say-OK thing a whirl. But could it really work that well? “It has been researched that feelings do follow actions,” says Karen Sherman, Ph.D., a psychologist in Plainview, NY and author of Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, and Make It Last. “Therefore, it might very well be that if a woman commits to having sex, her feelings will follow. And the more sex that takes place, the more one desires it…so by have sex on a more regular basis, the woman's desire will increase.”

But honestly, with everything I do in a week—the work of three people, at least!—is it really fair to expect me to always find time for every-other-day conjugal relations?  

“I point out to clients that if they had sex four times a week, and the act takes a half hour from beginning to end, that would only amount to a little over 1 percent of the total time in the week,” says Wilder.

Well, when you put it that way…

As I write this, it’s 11pm and my husband is watching The Voice in the living room. Probably waiting for me to finish my work, then to hear my footsteps as I head to the bedroom. Then he will abruptly turn off the TV and scurry behind me, seeing his opening. Which almost always annoys me. I feel stalked when he does that.

Sigh.

I wonder what would happen if I head to the living room instead?

I’ll let you know how it goes.

By Christina Vercelletto

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